I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
