You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
