Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
