3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
