i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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