You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
