FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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