I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
