he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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