but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
