is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
