I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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