Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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