booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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