omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
