Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
BRING THE BAGELS
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever