I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she smelled like a LAN party
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo