I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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