Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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