My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
