did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
