TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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