Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
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I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
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I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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