How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
