I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
