Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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