I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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