So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
