Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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