my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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