So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
