Umm I'm too high to move.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
