I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
