Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Alive.
So much puke
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
