Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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