my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
