That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I am available for nakedness
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