just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
