He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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