He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
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i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
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WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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