I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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