Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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