I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
