got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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