PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Best friends brother. Beat that.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"