Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
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He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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