stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
