I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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