i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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