Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
