I wish I could punch you in the face.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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