If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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