just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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