so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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