and my herpes radar will keep us safe
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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