Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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