I am midnight drunk by noon
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I came so hard my ears popped.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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