So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
