the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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