You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
